I tried.

I made it through a day and almost an hour of a second day.

I returned to work, despite a voice inside of my mind begging me to remain still. The guilt was overwhelming to pick up the pieces of my brokenness, pull up my big-girl pants, and put on a smile. Whether I was ready or not, my bereavement time had ended.

Why do I feel as though I don’t deserve to have quiet time, time to rest, time to be still, time alone, and time to sit with my feelings? Instead of the time I need right now, I feel pressured to get myself together, push aside my feelings, and return to life as it was before the sudden loss of my mother.

This death carries with it more than the loss of my mom. My heart is heavy with all sorts of feelings from resentment, anger, and bitterness, to relief and happiness. The worst feelings are the ones I am holding against myself, and they have weighed on me for decades because I didn’t have the tools to know how to find resolve. As a result, I couldn’t bring myself to love in relationships the way the others deserved to be loved, and more importantly, I couldn’t love myself fully the way I (still) deserve to be loved.

I am burdened with unresolved feelings that others find difficult to comprehend, on top of the grief from sudden loss, and with the expectation to simply return to work or life as normal because it is easier to keep one’s mind busy or refocused rather than to experience what I am experiencing. I hate this limiting belief. I am trying to resist this limiting belief.

If I don’t sit with myself and deal with these feelings, they will be detrimental to my health and well-being, and ultimately rebuild upon the wall I have built with determination and strength over the years. I’ve persisted in covering the crumbling stone, patching the holes that allow the healing light to shine through. I have worked so hard to submit to the reality that the wall doesn’t actually protect me, but instead barrs me from love. Over time, I have become tired of protecting the facade that others see, while the interior falls apart. In recent years, the wall has weakened with every effort I have labored to dismantle the blocks one by one.

There is no patching this time.

It is time for the wall to crumble.

The time for the healing light to shine on me is here.

It is time to experience love.