When the ambulance sped by my house, a feeling emerged I’d never felt before. My body told me something was wrong, and I knew in that moment, whom the paramedics were going to help. I brushed it off, questioning why I had even thought it in the first place. But I just couldn’t shake it. The image of the first responders, the sound of the siren, they kept flooding my mind as I finished getting ready for my final concert as a high school senior. Then the call came in from my friend confirming what I already knew to be true. “My grandfather died earlier today. The paramedics arrived, but it was too late.” His grandparents lived right up the street from me. I knew he had passed before his grandson even got the call for himself.

From that point on, looking for answers outside myself became the norm. I felt like I could trust anyone and everyone before I could trust myself. My body sent me signals through my intuition, but I never really learned how to trust the messages. In the time since the passing of my mom, my life changed. Her death offered me a gift to turn inward and rediscover who I really am. 

In the months after mom’s passing, I was barely holding myself together. I wanted to know if she was okay, after battling much of her adult life with depression and alcoholism. I was not only mourning the loss of her life, but was also grieving the relationship I’d never had with her, one I often (and so desperately) craved. I was determined to figure out how to finally love and accept her in her heavenly form, so I asked her to send me signs. She listened. Sometimes she played with the lights, while other times she sent me messages through songs, artwork, and the children around me.

Upon the first anniversary of her passing, she decided to kick it up a notch and did something I’ll never forget. It happened downstairs in the finished part of our basement. My son had decided to “camp out” down there for the night, so my daughter and I rested on the couch until he fell asleep. We would then quietly sneak upstairs to the comforts of our own beds. While I was curled up on the couch waiting it out, I sensed an energy present above my body. As quickly as I recognized it, it came into my body. I experienced all over body tingles, and a feeling of peace. I had experienced something similar nearly a year prior, and both times were simply magical. Lasting only a few moments, I felt calm, loved and held. There was no room for fear. If you’d like to hear more, I share the details in the episode of The Intuitive Teacher Podcast called “Stories of Spirit Connections and Encounters.”

The following winter, my grandmother passed away. Her death brought more closure to my mom’s passing, and added a layer of guilt and regret for not visiting her in the last few months of her life. But she found a way to connect with me from the other side, and because I trusted her, she also helped me to embrace my intuitive abilities. By this time, I had taken intuitive development classes and spiritual mentorships. I learned how to lean into my body’s inner guidance system, my intuition, fully protect myself from low or dark energies, and cleanse my energy field. I became a Reiki practitioner and a vessel for energy healing, strengthening my connection to spirit guidance. So when my grandmother came to visit, I was open to receive her messages and could discern her loving presence around me. She’s become my energetic gate-keeper when I do energy work, and my mom helps me release any egoic fears that may try creeping into my mind. 

For a very long time, I battled inner conflicts as all of this was happening. Fearing people would think I was crazy, I kept a lot to myself since beginning to experience my passed over loved ones in spirit. Luckily, God brought me several kindred souls to be in community with me to help navigate this unknown, and what many call a nonreligious spiritual awakening. Conditioned beliefs stemming from religion, childhood, others’ fears and judgments, and being scared to feel othered, an outcast, or totally rejected from those I love and treasured most kept me safe in my comfort zone. The growing problem was, I was outgrowing that comfort zone. It may have fit others’ perceptions of me, the wounded me, but it no longer felt aligned, authentic, or honoring my true integrity. I began questioning if I could be religious and spiritual at the same time, when the truth was that I had never felt closer to the Divine than I do now, outside of the church doors. I concluded that many things can be true at the same time for me. 

I must admit, openly sharing how I can support or help others find ways to heal their wounded selves has been a big step for me. With every person I’ve shared my journey with, initially I was afraid, but the fear quickly disappeared when they asked questions to learn more. At first, it was a little weird telling people I can see colors around bodies, sense and experience energy fields, or clear imbalances that I intuit through my senses. It felt a little crazy sharing stories of how I heard my grandmother’s voice calling my name like we were sitting in her living room or seeing my grandfather extend his hand to mine when I talked about spirit connections on my podcast. But there’s more coming, and in order to embrace my purpose of helping others, I’m going to push against the beliefs I once believed to be true, even if it makes others uncomfortable. 

I guess this is my proclamation to you and to whomever may know me: I have returned back home to myself, to love. I may do and say things that stir up fear or discomfort in you, challenge your beliefs, and hopefully invite you to hold up a mirror and question what is rooted love or fear/judgment in your own life. If you feel uncomfortable, that’s okay. Ask yourself why. Get curious about the layers underneath your discomfort. It’s telling you something, just like it did for me years ago. I had the courage to excavate to find out what was and is true for me. You’ll also have the same choice – find yourself again or avoid it because it’s the easy thing to do. But isn’t it exhausting hiding and dismissing yourself because someone else may not love the real you?

I was scared of your judgment, but I’m no longer afraid. What does that actually mean? Deep down, a part of me was terrified to fully be myself. Why is that? I was scared of your rejection. I was scared to feel ashamed of being different than you. I was scared to lose your love. I was scared you wouldn’t accept me – the always healing, changed, very-different-than-the-Jess-you-knew – me. But if I choose to continue to be that person, I continue dismissing a part of myself who is ready to be seen. It wouldn’t matter if anyone else rejected me if I’m doing it to the one person I need most in this world – me. It’s time to be unapologetically me.